Rebalyn

In my last post, I said that rebellions are messy. But how? How can working on myself be messy? Content creators make it look like this beautiful experience. It is. But remember that you are not always privy to their most vulnerable, challenging moments.

From what I’ve experienced, many of the people who begin personal growth accounts to help others seem to have made it through the messiest part of their journey and are now sharing the lessons they learned along the way. Like myself, I’m sure they made it through their “dark night of the soul” and thought, I don’t want ANYONE to have to go through this alone like I did. But that is also the caveat of personal growth– it’s personal. You will feel alone at times, and no matter how many resources you seek out, nothing will perfectly fit your unique soul. And there is nothing wrong with that, in fact, it’s amazing! All the atoms and fairy dust settled together to make YOU. Of course there won’t be a one-size-fits-all solution.

This is your journey. What is so beautiful and simultaneously overwhelming is that you are fully in control of how you go about your personal growth. YOU know what your soul needs to thrive. What myself and the many other incredible creators out there have to offer are tools that have helped us and a gentle reminder that, while this is a wholly individual based experienced, you are not alone in wanting better for yourself and it is okay to want more for yourself. Nothing is wrong with you for wanting that.

But, my dear friend, you will have to push yourself to do the work. Because no one else can truly make you do the work unless you want to. You will have to wade deep into your soul and start to go through the boxes of “things not dealt with” you’ve collected. Please don’t open them all at once. Just start with the ones that look the least scary to open.

A small box I decided to open and confront was my inability to say “I’m sorry.” It was nearly impossible for me to utter those words. I didn’t grow up in a home where it was said often. It was more like stay away from each other until we chilled out; then go on like normal. This never sat well in my soul. It felt unresolved. I figured I was just being sensitive and selfish and just wanted the other person to admit they were wrong so I could be right. I quickly realized I didn’t have the tools to personally explore this. So what did I do? I sought them out.

Let’s pretend that everyone has a toolbox. My toolbox came with many wonderful skills from my loving parents and whatever life experience I had gained by 24. And just like me, you have your own tool box of skills and coping mechanisms that you pull out when you need them. Some people, unfortunately, have to build their own tool box from scratch while others may have tools, but they don’t exactly work well. My tools to properly apologize were nonexistent. What’s great, though, is that there are others out there who share their toolboxes with the world.

So I went to Google and asked “How do I apologize?” There are so many results, I instantly felt validation that I was not alone in needing to learn this skill. That’s great! I dive in and, boom, I have learned how to apologize! I know all the steps to make it sincere and concise. Easy! Or so I thought…Reading was not the same as actually putting my research to practice. Plus, as I sat with these many results and I realized I don’t actually like apologizing. But why?

MY PRIDE

This is another caveat about personal growth. You have to set your pride aside. At many of your points of personal growth, you may notice that your friend and companion, Pride, will often be in the way of whatever lesson you need to learn. Retraining yourself to be a better version is a very humbling experience. Your pride can cloud your judgement in an effort to protect yourself from feeling the shame and guilt personal growth often digs up. This was a box I didn’t mean to open, but it spilled out on its own. And that happens.

So, I take a deep breath and ask myself why I don’t like apologizing. It all came down to the fact that apologizing felt like I had done something with malicious intent or like I was admitting I had done wrong when I knew what I had done felt like the right move in the moment. Well, the chips fell as they did, and now the other party needed an apology. I needed to set my pride aside because sometimes, we are wrong, and sometimes, the best intentions can still lead to people getting hurt. Doing what you think is right at the time doesn’t mean it’s not wrong overall. These self realizations were not learned in one sitting. This was over months of encountering moments where an apology was needed, but I didn’t want to give it. Then I finally asked myself, “Was the pride of being in [what I thought was] the right worth this relationship? Was not apologizing worth the outcome?” It never was.

This small box had a lot of weight to it.

And this particular lesson stung. I knew I was better than this.

“Good,” I thought. “That means I learned something.” So now I had this new tool that I didn’t really know how to use well. But I tried.

I remember a few spats I had with my significant other where we’d do the “go cool down and pretend everything’s fine until it was” strategy. And then I thought, “I have to apologize. I want to make this better and my pride isn’t going to get in the way anymore.” So I apologized based on what I had learned online was a sincere way to apologize. Saying I was “sorry for ____ and that next time I will ____. In this instance, I had to apologize for getting ridiculously upset over something.

“I’m sorry I got upset for [this thing] and next time I’ll communicate better about what I need.”

It was clunky, uncomfortable, and I just wanted the whole thing over with and for us to be on good terms again. But I did it. I taught myself how to apologize without my pride getting in the way. **Cue video game leveling up music**

This is something I have worked on for years at this point, and now, apologizing is a lot easier. I do want to make amends when things go awry, but the act of apologizing was not natural to me. Plus, this lesson was actually a deeper, more complex issue than I thought. Like all muscles need to be exercised, the skills and tools you acquire need to be practiced and honed. This is done over time. You don’t wake up a better person, you cultivate the qualities you believe will make you a better person over time.

I don’t know what’s in your toolbox or how many boxes you have to unpack. You may not have a lot of tools, and some tools you may need to retire. You may have one box or a whole room stacked with them. But if you’re willing to do the work, pick a box and start unpacking. The tools are out there to find when you need them.

Love and Light,

B

In college, I was a double major. My first major was in History and the second in Theatre: Production and Design. The history major was an accident, in all honesty. I had taken so many history classes at my junior college, I only needed a few more to slap on that double major. I figured why not; I loved taking those classes anyways.

I studied at a junior college to save money and met a professor I absolutely adored. She made history come alive and it felt like we were gossiping about the main players in revolutions as if they were alive today. Oh, that crazy Ivan the Terrible. Robespierre, that rascal! Voltaire, was well…Voltaire. This professor knew how to get us invested even though we already knew the results of these events. I fell deeply in love with the history of revolutions and what caused people to rebel. It was the people I wanted to know everything about. Messy and dramatic and passionate beyond imagination. The people who started revolutions believed so wholeheartedly in their endeavor and did anything to build the future that they thought would be better for their country and people.

What does a personal growth journey have to do with a rebellion? Well, every revolution has a spark. A shot heard around the world, if you will. Those who rebel want to incite change. They want a new world based on their ideals that they believe will improve their living conditions. Isn’t that what you want, too?

But what or who are you rebelling against? Yourself.

Within the last few months or even years, you probably felt that rumble of discontent grow inside you. That little voice that said you were made for more. You’re better than this. You deserve better than this. And slowly that voice has become louder and louder until that moment the spark ignited and you thought to yourself:

“I’m done.”

“No more.”

“Never again”

and boom, the revolution has begun.

You’re rebelling against the story you’ve always told yourself. The beliefs that have been limiting you. The version of you that has kept you safe, but also kept you from truly thriving and living up to your potential. There is nothing easy about letting go of what has kept you safe for so long. If it ain’t broke why fix it, right? Because. If you do feel this way, you deserve to pursue a life that you love. Everyone does.

Revolutions are messy. There will be (metaphorical) casualties. The old you has to fall for the better you to rise from its ashes.

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When I began my journey back in 2018, there wasn’t as much focus on personal growth and mental health support like we have seen since the pandemic. I was working a great job with a 401k and $45,000 salary that made me feel like I made it. I relished in the ability to shop at Whole Foods and felt like an amazing provider for my partner and myself. It was, on paper, perfect.

It broke my soul, though.

I would wake up early, go into the office, and wait for an email to pop up in the inbox like a vulture waiting for a dead carcass. One would pop up and the 8 new assistant account executives and I would jump on it. Eight long hours just sitting in my cubicle…waiting for a task. Again, people told me how awesome it was to have a job where I could do that all day. But it is not my nature to sit and wait. After four months, I was having anxiety attacks before going to work because I felt so stagnant and trapped. I felt so ashamed to admit I hated it–business casual clothes, the morning commute, all of it.

I had a job opportunity at a theatre I had declined to take this corporate gig. It was part time and made in a month what I had made in a week at the office. They didn’t hire anyone after I declined and reopened the listing around the time I realized I was losing my mind at the office. I spoke with my significant other at the time, and with his amazing grace and support, I reapplied and got the job.

By doing this, I was going against what I had believed was the formula for life. Go to college. Get a good job with a 401k and health insurance. Work 8 hours a day and save up your PTO for when you want to take time off to experience life outside the office. Stability and predictability. This is the dream for some people, and I hope that those of you who want it, achieve it. But for me? That sounded like a living death. And I felt terrible for feeling that way. I had to fight against the guilt and shame around my decision to pursue my passions in technical theatre. I wanted to be in a shop, teaching students technical theatre while putting on shows. I knew I needed to feel fulfilled in my work, and shopping at Whole Foods, while exciting, was worth letting go to do so.

This first “mini-rebellion” I like to call it was just the start of my journey, and doesn’t even begin to touch on the growth I began to pursue regarding my mental health. However, it was one of the first times I challenged what I had thought for so long was the “right” path to a successful life. It felt like a rebellion to chart out a new life path for myself.

Looking back, I proved to myself that I had the grit and determination to truly follow my soul’s passions, and this moment set the foundation for many other rebellious decisions. I destroyed this idea of the “right” path. In fact, I realized there was no right path. This was just the direction I decided was best for me at that time. Perhaps it would change, but I’d cross that bridge when I got there. All I knew for sure was that my soul was telling me something was off through anxiety attacks and dissatisfaction with my office job. I listened, and realized I needed to reevaluate my formula for life. After doing so, I was able to work out a plan with my significant other and forge this new path. Little did I know this was just the start of challenging myself and my beliefs.

All revolutions start small. So ask yourself, what is causing that little voice in your soul to whisper “I deserve more?”

Love and Light,

B