Rebalyn

In college, I was a double major. My first major was in History and the second in Theatre: Production and Design. The history major was an accident, in all honesty. I had taken so many history classes at my junior college, I only needed a few more to slap on that double major. I figured why not; I loved taking those classes anyways.

I studied at a junior college to save money and met a professor I absolutely adored. She made history come alive and it felt like we were gossiping about the main players in revolutions as if they were alive today. Oh, that crazy Ivan the Terrible. Robespierre, that rascal! Voltaire, was well…Voltaire. This professor knew how to get us invested even though we already knew the results of these events. I fell deeply in love with the history of revolutions and what caused people to rebel. It was the people I wanted to know everything about. Messy and dramatic and passionate beyond imagination. The people who started revolutions believed so wholeheartedly in their endeavor and did anything to build the future that they thought would be better for their country and people.

What does a personal growth journey have to do with a rebellion? Well, every revolution has a spark. A shot heard around the world, if you will. Those who rebel want to incite change. They want a new world based on their ideals that they believe will improve their living conditions. Isn’t that what you want, too?

But what or who are you rebelling against? Yourself.

Within the last few months or even years, you probably felt that rumble of discontent grow inside you. That little voice that said you were made for more. You’re better than this. You deserve better than this. And slowly that voice has become louder and louder until that moment the spark ignited and you thought to yourself:

“I’m done.”

“No more.”

“Never again”

and boom, the revolution has begun.

You’re rebelling against the story you’ve always told yourself. The beliefs that have been limiting you. The version of you that has kept you safe, but also kept you from truly thriving and living up to your potential. There is nothing easy about letting go of what has kept you safe for so long. If it ain’t broke why fix it, right? Because. If you do feel this way, you deserve to pursue a life that you love. Everyone does.

Revolutions are messy. There will be (metaphorical) casualties. The old you has to fall for the better you to rise from its ashes.

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When I began my journey back in 2018, there wasn’t as much focus on personal growth and mental health support like we have seen since the pandemic. I was working a great job with a 401k and $45,000 salary that made me feel like I made it. I relished in the ability to shop at Whole Foods and felt like an amazing provider for my partner and myself. It was, on paper, perfect.

It broke my soul, though.

I would wake up early, go into the office, and wait for an email to pop up in the inbox like a vulture waiting for a dead carcass. One would pop up and the 8 new assistant account executives and I would jump on it. Eight long hours just sitting in my cubicle…waiting for a task. Again, people told me how awesome it was to have a job where I could do that all day. But it is not my nature to sit and wait. After four months, I was having anxiety attacks before going to work because I felt so stagnant and trapped. I felt so ashamed to admit I hated it–business casual clothes, the morning commute, all of it.

I had a job opportunity at a theatre I had declined to take this corporate gig. It was part time and made in a month what I had made in a week at the office. They didn’t hire anyone after I declined and reopened the listing around the time I realized I was losing my mind at the office. I spoke with my significant other at the time, and with his amazing grace and support, I reapplied and got the job.

By doing this, I was going against what I had believed was the formula for life. Go to college. Get a good job with a 401k and health insurance. Work 8 hours a day and save up your PTO for when you want to take time off to experience life outside the office. Stability and predictability. This is the dream for some people, and I hope that those of you who want it, achieve it. But for me? That sounded like a living death. And I felt terrible for feeling that way. I had to fight against the guilt and shame around my decision to pursue my passions in technical theatre. I wanted to be in a shop, teaching students technical theatre while putting on shows. I knew I needed to feel fulfilled in my work, and shopping at Whole Foods, while exciting, was worth letting go to do so.

This first “mini-rebellion” I like to call it was just the start of my journey, and doesn’t even begin to touch on the growth I began to pursue regarding my mental health. However, it was one of the first times I challenged what I had thought for so long was the “right” path to a successful life. It felt like a rebellion to chart out a new life path for myself.

Looking back, I proved to myself that I had the grit and determination to truly follow my soul’s passions, and this moment set the foundation for many other rebellious decisions. I destroyed this idea of the “right” path. In fact, I realized there was no right path. This was just the direction I decided was best for me at that time. Perhaps it would change, but I’d cross that bridge when I got there. All I knew for sure was that my soul was telling me something was off through anxiety attacks and dissatisfaction with my office job. I listened, and realized I needed to reevaluate my formula for life. After doing so, I was able to work out a plan with my significant other and forge this new path. Little did I know this was just the start of challenging myself and my beliefs.

All revolutions start small. So ask yourself, what is causing that little voice in your soul to whisper “I deserve more?”

Love and Light,

B

“Research is formalized curiosity. It is poking and prying with purpose”

-Zora Neal Hurston

The internet has an overwhelming amount of resources out there. I won’t pretend I’m a professional who knows the science behind all things. However, I did learn how to research pretty well as a history major in college! And where does all research begin? GOOGLE.

Google everything you want to know. Research yourself. Focus on the results that give you facts, not just testimonies. You are your own person. Why you can’t go to bed easily at night may not be the same reason as the big influencer you see on TikTok. You’re going to find a million results, and yes, it is overwhelming, but once you start to gobble up that research, you’ll begin to see a pattern emerge in your searches that will lead you down the right rabbit hole.

I stumbled upon this idea simply because this is a huge part of who I am. I NEED to know why things are the way they are, myself included. Why do I behave this way? Why can’t I apologize? Why is it so hard for me to ask someone for help? Why? Why? WHY?! …..this is a blessing and a curse, lemmetellya.

This may seem like common sense to those who also have this drive to understand the world and those around us, but to stop and apply this to yourself can be extremely difficult. It may reveal things we aren’t quite ready to accept yet. Because we may know why we don’t like something on the surface, but to stop and dig deeper may actually lead to a self realization we aren’t proud of.

For example, in junior college, I wanted to do a research paper on how parental illness effects children. My dad was diagnosed with PKD and had one kidney removed that year and my mom had gone through chemotherapy treatment and a radical double-mastectomy when I was in middle school. I was simply curious. I knew having sick parents affected me so I figured it’d be something interesting to write about. I also knew that I had a habit of internalizing my issues and taking my emotional pain out on myself through self harm and restrictive eating, but that was just me…right? I was so wrong.

I learned through my research that girls tended to internalize their emotional struggles through self harm and develop low self esteem while boys would tend to show their emotional distress outwardly as disruptive behavior. I realized that I was not a special case. The self esteem issues I had and the internalized coping mechanisms could all be explained by these scientific studies I was reading.

So how did this make me feel? Well. The story I was telling myself was wrong. I wasn’t a lonely misunderstood girl. I wasn’t born broken. I wasn’t the exception to the rule. I was the rule! I could have easily been one of those kids in the case study I was reading. It was a sobering thought, “I wasn’t special in my pain.” Ouch, right?

While this was a wake up call to myself, this also gave me something I didn’t expect. Knowledge. I now understood myself in a better way. What I thought would be just an easy, interesting paper to write was now an opportunity to learn about myself on a deeper level and get pointed in the right direction to find support that I didn’t realize I desperately needed. From there, I started my epic Google journey.

So start researching. Look into the science of how we as humans exist on this planet. Start by trying to understand the human condition as a whole and where you fit into that. I promise you, you will learn something and find a springboard into understanding yourself better.

Love and Light,

B